Friday 21st January 2000

The weekend trip that was planned had been dogged with problems. Most of the cats from Nokia were busy with other things so they couldn't make it. Richard Sims dumped his girlfriend two days before the trip so she didn't come. Ryan's friend Chris Gajek couldn't come along.

The day we were due to go Richard Hill's wife was injured by a lunatic driver in a tram and was taken to hospital so neither of them could make it. What was initially planned as a big trip dwindled to the three of us. As it turns out this was quite fortunate [ see later ]

Ryan arrived in Ulm Hauptbahnhof at about 6pm so Richard Sims and I popped along to get him and began our journey to Oberjoch which is in the German Alps, right on the border with Austria. Richard and I had been in Capo's for a little while waiting for Ryan to turn up and I'd had a couple of beers – Richard being the driver for the trip had one. So because I had some beer swishing in my belly I of course demanded we stopped at the first service station.

The place was *mobbed* with people going down to the Alps so all the women were using the mens cubicle so it was quite a strange feeling to be utilising a urinal with a queue of women behind watching. I got back upstairs and met Ryan and Richard only to discover that Ryan had bought three cans of lager for the journey........well I couldn't let him drink alone now could I?

The autobahn journey was pretty uneventful but things started to get messy after we got off and headed toward Oberjoch. As we were approaching the resort we spotted a sign saying Oberjoch was to the left.

"Turn left here Rich" said I.
"Hokey Cokey rent boy" replied he and turned the wheel.

The car made a half hearted attempt to turn before finally deciding it was far too much hassle.

"Whump" went the car into a snow drift.
"Shit" said Rich
"Fuck" said Ryan.
"Bollocks man" said I.

We arrived at Oberjoch without hotel reservations and were very lucky that the first hotel we tried had one room available with a double bed and two single beds. So we took it. We settled in and pretty much chilled out for half an hour, arguing about who would get the double bed. Eventually we tossed coins for it – Richard won.

We decided to explore Oberjoch and try to find a room for the next night as we could only have that room for one night. We tried a couple of hotels without any luck so we decided to throw snowballs at each other and grab some cash from the Sparkasse before going in search of fun and frolics. The place was dead, no life, kicking it was not. So we just went back to the hotel bar and proceeded to get outrageously drunk. Beers, JD's and wine were consumed before we all eventually staggered upstairs.

I had the cunning plan that what we really needed was a couple of bottles of wine – you know, as a night cap type thing. So I popped off back down to the bar to get them. In the bar were still a few loiterers with whom I got chatting. I shared a bottle with the people at the bar and the barmaid. The barmaid then poured a pile of schnapps out for us all. I got on the phone to the room and got those two down to drink some more. I have no idea what time we eventually went to bed but I do know what happened. Apparently I passed out on the bed with my mobile phone in my hand constructing an SMS to Eva. Richard found me, took my mobile out of my hand and put it beside the bed.

Ryan then decided to make use of the remaining wine and pour it over my head. Ryan then went into the bathroom to take a dump and read his book – a while later Richard found Ryan sat on the toilet with his trousers around his ankles, his book still in his hand – fast asleep.

Saturday 22nd January 2000

We all awoke – me still covered in wine. Had a little breakfast which was mainly 3 gallons of orange juice washed down with three gallons of tea. Packed our stuff up and headed for the slopes. When we came to pay the bill we realised that the money we spent in the bar was more than the cost of the room. Result. The ski hire place was just across the road so we got a couple of boards and a set of ski's. 52DM for the ski's for two days and 80DM for a board for two days. Not too bad really. Then we organised three lift passes [ 33DM each ] and away we went.

Richard was talking to the guy that works in the shop, Sven, about a quick boarding lesson. So they agreed to meet half way up the slope near the second lift later on. So the three of us toddle up to the lift......it was a drag lift....ahhhhh! Personally I've only ever used a chair lift with a board - this was not going to be fun. Ryan and Richard made it to the lift first and grabbed the next T bar to come along.

Richard, on a board, lasted all of three seconds before flying off. Ryan, on ski's, continued to the top. Richard then tried getting on with me. We both lasted two seconds before hitting the deck. Drag lifts and boards are just not cool. On my second attempt I managed to get about half way up before coming a cropper, but I was high enough to do my first boarding of the weekend. The slope wasn't too steep so I was able to get down with pretty much no grief. Back onto the drag lift and this time I shared a ride with Ryan and made it to the top of the lift. So feeling a little brave Ryan and I decided to head over to the second lift to go higher up the run. Sadly my lack of ability returned and I was bailed off after 70 metres or so. Ryan stayed on and we met up at the bottom again.

During all of this time Richard had decided to give up on the chair lift and walk up the hill instead. He went up for a while and nearly died due to his 20 a day smoking habit. Strapped on his board, started moving, fell over and hurt his knee that he seriously damaged last year. There ended his boarding weekend. [ all together now – awwwwwwwwwwww ].

So Sven, Ryan and I took the lifts right to the top of the hill. Pretty bloody flippin high it is too, well for a mere beginner like me. At the bottom of the hill we'd arranged to pop into a cafe at the top of the hill for a quick drink before we all headed down. Ryan however, forgot. So Sven and I were sat in the cafe waiting for him and Ryan was sat on the slope waiting for us.

Sven introduced me to a short called Hexenfauer [ Witches fire ] and it really was horrendous. I think the idea of the drink is to get it into your stomach but don't let it touch any other part of your body – because it burns with a capital "Jesus what the bloody hell christ shit shitty shit shit shit was that". Anyway, as we were paying our bill some chappie asked us what we were drinking. Sven told him it was Hexenfauer and it warms you up for the journey back down. He told the man to gargle it, and swill it around his mouth. The idiot did, before swallowing it. Sven and I just stood there looking at him, as did the group of people that had been sat with us on the table. It was like the cartoon where "Tom" [ of Tom & Jerry ] accidentally eats ummm I dunno, chillies or petrol or something and he goes red starting from his feet until steam comes out of his ears. Just like that, you could actually see the redness rise up through his neck and up his face. It was deathly silent in the cafe as more and more people realised what was happening. The man was just stood there, imperceptibly shaking before he screamed for water. The whole place erupted with laughter and Sven and I made a sharp exit.

The hexenfauer had really screwed me up. I went from being an OK boarder to a completely useless tub of lard. I fell down so many times for the first 10 mins of going down, and then we came to some moguls and it was like " ohhhhhhhhhhh shit ". So tumble, tumble, crash crash went Steeley down the slope. Until we got past the rough stuff and then it was plain sailing to the bottom until I boarded right into the next crisis!

Richard and Ryan had a quick scoot around Oberjoch checking out some of the hotels in an attempt to grab a room for the night - but without any luck. Fortunately it was about this time that Eva arrived. She grabbed some numbers from an advertisement and phoned a few places. We managed to get another night in a different hotel where there was a double bed, with a little room off it containing the single bed. Needless to say yours truly grabbed the double. Oh, and Eva arrived late because she managed to park her car in a field on the way over. oops.

The hotel we were staying in this night was half way up the mountain, and the only way to get to it with suitcases and stuff was via a "schnee taxi" which is like a piste basher with its caterpillar tracks and all that.

So we hung our stuff up to dry and went into the hotel restaurant for dinner as everyone was starving. For some reason the waitress took an instant dislike to me. After dinner it was down to the hotel bar. To get to the bar you had to go out of the hotel and in through another door. Whilst outside I whizzed a snowball at the other three. It whistled past the ears of Ryan and Richard before dropping a little to whack Eva right on the arse. The result of the oh so superb shot was her attacking me, and me ending up in a snow-drift. Cest La Vie. Anyway, we were the only people in the bar which was a bit depressing and the barman was playing the terrible Ooompah Bavarian shite that you occasionally hear. After ten minutes of this we asked him to turn it off, which thankfully he did.

The place started filling up a little and then 5 girls arrived who'd helped us push our car earlier, so they came and sat by us. Then Sven arrived with three girls and they came and sat by us. It was hilarious, there was four guys with a heap of girls at one end of the bar, and a bunch of lonely men at the other end of the bar. About every two minutes a couple of guys from the singles end would come up and try to chat up the girls, without any success.

Anyway, these 5 german girls were drinking Vodka with a funny fruit thing in the top. So I got chatting to them and asked them what it was. They didn't know how to say it in English, and neither did Eva but the German was something like "Feigen". Seems obvious now but it didn't at the time. Anyway the discussion changed and about ten minutes later I turned to Eva and said "oh, now I know....is it a fig?". "Yeah, thats it" replied Eva. So always being one to assist my fellow mans education I turned around

"Fig" I said to the German girls. with lots of shocked faces "Fig! That thing in your drinks, in English it's a fig" I said, a trifle perturbed.

Realisation dawned and everyone around us started to laugh. I turned to Eva who was staring at me open mouthed and I said "What! What is it?" which is when she explained that "fig" sounds very like the German word for something rhyming with duck, that rabbits do a lot of. Oooops. Anyway – it kind of broke the ice so the whole gang had a whale of a night. We drank the bar dry of Vodka and started on the JD. No idea what time we got to bed but it was late.

Sunday 23rd January 2000

Quick breakfast, packed stuff, donned winter gear and boarded from the hotel down the hill. The snow had been falling hard all night, like very very hard! So there was loads of powder which was sweeet! However I boarded straight off the piste and into a patch of snow which came over my knees. This kinda messed me up as I stopped and just couldn't move. I jumped up and down a bit trying to get it to move all to no avail. The piste was about 10 feet behind me so I just fell in that general direction and rolled toward it. I eventually got moving again and caught up with Ryan and Eva.

We went up and down a few times – I had my usually nightmares with the drag lift and then the snow really started coming down. I was boarding down the hill and I could see people and buildings and stuff but I just couldn't make out the slope. I started going faster and thought "OK, that was a steeper bit" and when I went slower I thought "OK, not quite so steep". They were really bad ski-ing conditions so we decided to sack it and get moving back to Ulm. This, it turns out was a very good idea.

We got back to Eva's car which was really buried with snow. So we dug it out and tried to get it back down the hill but just ended up getting it stuck. So we tried pushing it, pulling it, kicking it and screaming at it but it was all useless. Richard walked down to his car to get his snow chains. Ryan and I spent maybe an hour trying to get these things on but they were too small for Eva's wheels. Eventually we kludged them just enough to get us out of one stuck position and into another. The whole time we were doing this people would come past and say in German "Ooooh, you shouldn't be bringing a car up here with tyres like them" and then walked on by without helping at all! Anyway, when we got it into the second stuck place we were blocking the road. Nobody could get past and everyone was moaning. However since the only thing they could do was help, it's exactly what they did. We were driving down the road two minutes later to get Richards car.

The situation with Richards car was even worse since he had on British tyres rather than winter tyres. Once again we dug the car out, and spent ages trying to get the snow chains on only to discover that they were too small for his car also! So Richard set off to buy another set and we sat around becoming more and more convinced that we weren't going to get out of this resort. Whilst Richard was away a huge coach pulled up and completely blocked the exit to the car-park.

Richard returned, Ryan and I tried to get the snow-chains on and failed miserably again several times. The instructions and the method of putting on the chains are soooooooo crappy! We'd kludge them on somehow but then once we got moving the chains would come loose and just come off. This meant Ryan and I were once more beneath the car fiddling with snow-chains in –10 or –15 without gloves [ because the chains were very fiddly ].

Well, eventually the coach left, Ryan and I kinda worked out a way to get the chains on tight enough and we left.

The afternoon was very demoralising and I promise that I've never seen so much snow in all my life. It was four hours between us deciding to stop ski-ing before we got both cars back on the road.

We learned lots of lessons:

Dont take a car to the Alps that doesn't have decent tyres.
Buy snow chains that are the right size.
Don't lose the snow shovel of the guy that runs the ski rental shop because he'll moan and moan and moan and moan and......

Anyway, pretty uneventful journey back to Ulm where Ryan boarded a train and I popped into the bar.

High points:

Figs
Making it to the top of the mountain
Seeing the man nearly explode after drinking Hexenfauer.

Low points:

Cars getting buried
Crappy snow chains.